The stomachaches continue (for me anyway) on the topic of Leo’s new school. What seemed like a good idea at the time (having him go to the self-contained kindergarten/first/second grade at our local elementary school) has started keeping me awake at night. Is it the right decision? Will it be the right fit for Leo? Will he regress, as his current teacher fears? Will he get lost in the sea of a school that has no fewer than 500 kids and five kindergartens?
Last Friday at Leo’s Pre-K graduation I was an emotional wreck. I used to make fun of parents who cried over the sight of little four-year-old Timmy in his mortar board cap, marching along to “Pomp and Circumstance.” It seemed so absurd. It’s just Pre-K.
I still think the “Pomp and Circumstance” and mortar board wearing is a little silly but otherwise, boy do I Get It. This moving up to kindergarten thing is a big deal. They’re not our babies anymore. And I’m sorry but I think it’s a bigger deal when your kid has Down syndrome, or some kind of "special need." When you watch your little baby struggle to crawl and then sit and then walk and do all the things that the babies of the rest of the world seem to do without a care or a thought? It’s a big thing to see Leo standing there in his little cap, his Polo shirt tucked into his chinos, his little hands at his side as he prepares to lead his school in the “Pledge of Allegiance,” to kick off the graduation ceremony.
The district school placement social worker is holding my hand through this whole process. She listened to me patiently as I sobbed on the phone yesterday morning (Another thing: Can I please get through a conversation about Leo’s educational future without dissolving into a crying mess? Seriously, my eyes have been swollen for days). She assured me the new school is what is best for Leo. It’s the least restrictive environment. It’s what we have always hoped and dreamed for Leo, to be included with his typical peers as much as possible. So why am I suddenly a ridiculous ball of fear and anxiety and trepidation?
I talk big. I talk about the importance of inclusion but the truth is? I am terrified of the thought of losing the security blanket that is Leo’s present school. Without a doubt it is the most restrictive environment. All the kids have Down syndrome. There is no possibility for inclusion. But at the same time,it feels safe and warm and comforting and risk free.
The most I would ask is that Leo remain where he is for one more year, then move him up to the big bad world of a more inclusive environment next fall, when he’s six. But then I think, why wait, just because his mom is a big chicken? Because I know Leo sure isn’t. My only hesitation is that is old school doesn’t think he’s ready. They want him for one more year.
I’m a reporter both by trade and by nature. My instinct when faced with big (and sometimes not so big) decisions is to gather as much information as possible, get all the facts (and the feelings) organized and then see how things look, how they fit together. And so tomorrow I’ll go back to the potential new school to observe, this time without Leo. When I visited last week he came with me, so my time there was limited. In a few more weeks I’ll go to Leo’s old school to see the primary program where he would move to if he stayed there. We still have all summer to decide.
And in the meantime I will do my best to stop bursting into tears.
3 comments:
Maya, first I lovvvvvvvvvvvve your blog :) there are so many blogs about been a parent of a child with Ds that you really gotta pick and choose who you read. I have 3 boys under 6 the youngest Cody who is 2mts old and has DS to say my life is crazy is a rather large understatement!!! but I am keeping clam and trying to carry on LOL..I had Codys eI eval a month ago and they asked me what was my goal for Cody and I said what was most important was that when the time came I want him to go to mainstream kindergarden and I do, I think, well I do now he is 2mts old so what do I know??but your post about Leo is one I am pretty sure I will live in 5yrs you want so much for them to be as regular as the next kid but you also know they in some regards will not be regluar and it sucks ....well for me it does. I live in the new york lovely burbs also so I relate on a local level :)keep on keeping it real Maya you get me through the day............Sue
I am so right there with you.
We are not enrolling Evan at his current school (for kids with a wide variety of disabilities) this fall. While I think this is the best thing for him (and his current teacher agrees), I am still so scared to send him out in the big, bad typical world. This place has been a safe haven for us, and for him, where he's always been accepted and celebrated. I hope his new school sees his charm and his smarts and his potential. I think they will, but man is my stomach in knots thinking about his first day there in August.
Do what you think is right for Leo. Don't let his old school convince you otherwise. They may spend a lot of time with him, but you know him best. It's now, or it's next year. It's going to be terrifying either way. If he's ready for a change, hold your breath and push him out there. It could be better than you ever dreamed.
OK, first of, Leo looks exactly like Alec Baldwin in that graduation picture.
Second. Do you have all day? I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE, it's going to be okay. I know when people told me that a year ago, I told them to f off. Remember, kindergarten is why I started GIAPH in the first place! It's a huge deal! And it's weird to see it from the other side. But one thing I can tell you is that nothing is permanent. You can always undo what you've done, right? And these school district people are telling you the least restrictive setting is best, OMG, you are in Oz or Wonka's chocolate factory. This is amazing. They get it! They don't want to shove Leo in the MR room. (Not to say his preschool doesn't sound incredible. It does.)
Of course it doesn't feel that way and it shouldn't -- your job is to Mama Bear Leo and so of course you have to freak out (I'm not being facetious, I really don't see a way around it). But just know somewhere that you are doing the right thing, giving this a try or at least "reporting" on it as much as you can.
Sorry to BOYB (ha ha, look how that turned out) but know I'm sending good thoughts from the west!
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