What to Say

Thanks for the comments on what happened at the party on Saturday night. I felt sort of blue all day Sunday about it, which might sound silly, but it was just upsetting, and weighed on my mind like an icky dream you try to forget but can’t.

I think I was also disappointed because since we’ve moved to the ‘burbs it hasn’t been that easy to connect with a community or find many easily accessible, like-minded people. It’s not that I was expecting to fall into a huge group of new awesome friends at the party (I’m not all that crazy about our neighbors, to be honest, so why would I want to be best friends with their friends?). I think I was just looking forward to the possibility of meeting some new people, and didn’t expect to end up leaving kind of abruptly, with hurt feelings.

Which brings me to my next point: I’ve got to, got to grow some thicker skin. I also have to start thinking a little more on my feet (aren’t I full of the clichés this morning). I need to not be passive about offensive or inappropriate remarks or questions. (That includes use of the word “retard” by a friend or acquaintance—thankfully, it hasn’t come up lately but I’m sure that since I’m writing this it will—I have yet to confront anyone about it despite multiple opportunities in the past). A sidenote: I love the hell out of Dan Savage but I really wish he’d stop using the “R” word.

So. Going forth, no more Mrs. Nice Girl. Like any good, well-socialized female, I know that I tend towards “making nice.” Don’t rock the boat; don’t cause conflict, never call people on their crap. I need to stop. I owe this to myself. Most of all, I owe this to Leo.

I had a sort of opportunity this morning to do something (another odd run-in though not exactly upsetting, just, well, ODD).

I was standing outside Leo’s room at the daycare, Leo at my feet, refusing to go into the room. He’s been sick (more on that in a different post) and was having an “I don’t want to go to school moment.” A newish dad (I’ve never spoken to him before-his daughter just started at the daycare about two months ago and is in the preschool room) was dropping off his daughter. He studied Leo for a moment.

“Reminds me of this autistic girl I saw on TV. You couldn’t tell there was anything wrong with her and boy could she sing! It was amazing!”

Um, OK?

Honestly I didn’t know what to say. What he said wasn’t insulting, it was just completely odd. Like, hello non sequitur! I thought about correcting him by saying that Leo didn’t have autism, or asking him, hmm, I wonder why Leo, who is laying down in the hallway not wanting to go to daycare is reminding you of a singing girl with autism?

Instead, I just “nothinged” him. That’s an old family expression when you just ignore someone you don’t want to deal with. I was tempted to say something about it to the teacher who I’m pretty sure overheard the whole, strange interaction, but I decided not to.

The old me may have smiled and tried to chat Odd Dad up.

But not the new me.

Not exactly an “educational” moment for sure, but I certainly didn’t go out of my way to be nice. For me, that’s progress. Of course, hind sight being what it is, I wish I'd handled things differently. I think I should have said something to the effect that Leo doesn't have autism, but I didn't. One more favorite cliche applies here: "Rome wasn't built in a day."

I feel that I need to add a caveat here, that it’s not that I plan on going out of my way to be snarky or rude to people who say what I deem to be inappropriate things, I just need to stop feeling like I need to make them feel comfortable. These incidents are not going to go away. If anything, as Leo gets older and is more of a presence out in the world and independent of us us, they're going to increase. I also can't help but think that as the precision and ease of prenatal testing increases and the Down syndrome community possibly (let's face it, probably) shrinks, there will also be more questions.

I also have to shed (or at the very least lose some of) the weight that Leo is the Poster Child for Down syndrome and all people who come in contact with him will form their opinions/impressions of DS based on poor Leo. He’s one little boy. And we’re one family, just doing the best we can.

We’ll see how it goes.

Just Wondering

What is it about having a child with Down syndrome that causes people to ask incredibly personal and in my view, inappropriate questions?

I wish I knew. I mean, I know there was some alcohol involved (just returned from next door neighbor's 40th birthday bash and the red wine was a-flowin') but come on. Would I Have Had My Son if I Had Known? Um, I don't know. It's Saturday night...it's a party and I have NEVER FREAKING MET YOU. Do I want to discuss this?

Just wondering. Why some people are the way they are.