Bottle the Day

Today was one of those dreamy, fall, but more summer-like days that you want to bottle for the dark, frigid, long hours of February.

We went to the little zoo at the end of our block so Ellie could fulfill her life's ambition of riding the "choo choo train." Truly, she rides it once and talks about it again for weeks.

She's started having little conversations with her things, toys, her dolly, Little People.

"You want this? Oh, OK. Here we go, here we go."

(She gets "here we go" from me. I didn't realize it but I say it a lot, apparently.)

Ellie's daily, growing language and vocabulary seems to be a bit of an equalizer, in terms of sibling rivalry. Now that she can literally call Leo out, "Don't do that Leo! That's my baby!" he seems less likely to pick on her.

But don't get me wrong. There is still plenty of pushing, "No Leo No!" and "Ey-YEE!" When Leo is wronged by Ellie, her bursts into crocodile tears.

Sitting in the Adirondack chair out back, watching Ellie drive her Little Tykes car while Leo collects rocks and acorns in a plastic bag, all of us bathed in a late afternoon glow, it seems impossible winter will ever come, just as it seems impossible to think these little children will ever grow up, will ever be anything but HERE, in this house, in this backyard, bickering little people who one minute want to do it themselves: "No, my turn!" and the next want to be "Baby!" (Leo's term for when he wants to be picked up). And of course there's Ellie's go-to, the ubiquitious "Uppy."

Just another Sunday.

Growl

I know Leo is just being an older brother. I should be happy, thrilled even, that he appears to be smart enough to be menacing. I do think it shows true intelligence to figure out that A) one’s behavior has an affect on people or a person (in this case Ellie) and to B) carry out a plan of “attack.” I love the guy but he can be sneaky and conniving. Brilliant, actually.

Back to the “growl.” Slowly Leo has begun to realize he can “growl” at his sister and terrify the pants off of her. He roars, growls really, close to her and in her face often, and her tiny little body jumps, then comes the terrified scamper towards Mommy or Mama and the pleas for “Uppy! Uppy! Uppy.”

I know this is normal sibling stuff (or so I’m told as I have no point of reference) but it’s upsetting. It’s upsetting to see Ellie so scared and it’s upsetting that my pleas to Leo to stop go completely and utterly unheard. Time-outs? He whines and then laughs at me as he’s freed.

When I’m alone with the two of them, Leo often (to be, fair not always) does not listen to me at all. It’s obvious he’s very jealous of Ellie and who can blame him? It’s his job to be jealous of her and annoyed by her, she’s the little sister, he’s the big brother. It’s just hard, because no matter what I say or do (time-out, “treat” restriction), Leo doesn’t seem to mind at all. He keeps on growling. And Ellie keeps on reacting (she’s the perfect victim, by the way).

Not to say that Leo is pure evil and Ellie is pure innocence. She can certainly hold her own in the Annoying Little Sister Department. But still.

I just keep telling myself, it’s a phase. It’s a phase.

Last night after Erin came home from work (she had to work late) I stood at the sink washing dishes for the morning lunches and I recalled to her the particularly bad night.

Everyone was tired (including me, did I mention I have strep throat? Gah!). Leo was not at his finest and frankly, neither was I. He figured out that in addition to growling at Ellie he could also swipe the paci out of her mouth (a move that features the added bonus of sort of hitting her but also upsetting her by dislodging beloved paci). Then there was the coup de grace: as I was trying to wrangle two squirming bodies from potty time to the bath tub, Leo managed to find the plunger and toilet scrubby behind the commode and attempted a nice jab in the face with the aforementioned tools, at his sister.

“I just wish Ellie was better at defending herself,” I said to Erin. “It’s our job to make sure she feels safe in her own home. Not to mention I hate that I feel like all I do lately is yell at Leo.”

“Cheer up,” Erin said. “Pretty soon Ellie’s going to be bigger and smarter than Leo and you won’t have to worry about her so much.”

It’s sad to say, but I think it’s true. And it kind of breaks my heart.

But I it’s more than that. Erin and I talked about it a little again this morning. With Ellie’s burgeoning maturity and understanding, she’s soon going to understand Leo more and why he behaves the way he does (at least that’s my hope). She’s also going to have to learn patience and tolerance. My hunch is she might understand Leo better than any of us do..

Hands down, Leo adores Ellie. Ask him who his favorite person is and every time the answer is the same: “Ellie.” And we did not plant this answer in his head, he came up with it himself. The funny thing is, when Leo tries to show Ellie affection, be it through a hug or a kiss, she beats the door down to get away. And so in classic “if he likes you he’ll pick on you fashion,” Leo chooses to growl to get Ellie’s attention. It might not be the attention Ellie wants, but there you go.

So maybe I just need to be more patient with the growling.

Easier said than done.

A kinder, sweeter, non-growling moment. They do exist.

Sweating, Gardening, Funny Doctor and A Reason I Put Up With It

Well we all survived the first, strange little heat wave of 2009. I kept having to pinch myself that it was April. I also forgot how cranky the heat makes me. I have no problem admitting I am so not a hot weather person. I mean it’s fine if all you have to do is sprawl next to the pool sipping margaritas or something, but life isn’t quite like that right now.

On a positive note, this summer, with a confidently mobile Ellie is going to be fun! Last summer she was still crawling and then started walking right around her first birthday (July) but even after that she was not “sturdy,” so there was lots of hovering around her, making sure she didn’t wipe out on the deck stair or tumble off the slide. Now, I can just deposit her and her brother in the backyard and be on my merry way! OK not exactly, but it’s a lot more relaxing. Oh, except for the CONSTANT FIGHTING OVER OUTSIDE TOYS.

I try not to let that bother me too much. And did I mention how refreshing white wine is in the heat?

And all those perennials I planted last year? The ones the damn dog did her best to destroy (to punish us for not walking her enough, she’s a smarty, that Ruby), THEY’RE COMING BACK! In little fits and starts and in some cases, pathetically, but there are definite signs of life. It warms my heart, as I’d written the yard off this year. Not enough time or money and with the dog and her destructive tendencies I felt like I’d be better off just burning a pile of cash than replacing all the plants she dug up last year. I’ll post some pictures when there is something worth showing.

In other exciting suburban news, we bought a push mower, which I’m quite excited about. We had to let the “gardener” go (thanks daycare price hike) so we’re going DIY. I have to say I’m not going to miss that infernal leaf blower the gardener used and I feel nice and “green” not using a gas mower. And I’m not just saying this because Erin is going to have to do all the work (I promise I’ll mow too Honey!).

To recap from last week, the doctor asked me a ton of questions and took a lot of blood. I’m supposed to get the results back today. He thinks my tiredness is related to “lifestyle,” (you know all the boozing and partying I do—why does lifestyle have a sort of seedy connotation?). Since I put the blame on my so called lifestyle squarely on my children, I joked with the doctor that perhaps I should consider getting rid of the kids.

“At the very least, you should drug them,” he answered.

I have to love a doctor with a sense of humor.

After my appointment I cut across Central Park to the West Side, where I catch my bus. I wish I’d had my camera. It was one of those quintessential New York spring days (if you’ve ever lived here you know that spring is about four days long and it’s not uncommon to go from cold and rain to unforgiving 90 degree humidity: Hi summer!). Needless to say, we appreciate our often short lived spring.

On Friday, the cherry blossoms were exploding, the tulips dancing, the row boats in the lake were bumper to bumper while there was a line for the motorized sail boats, which glided across the water like little ballerinas. There were baby strollers and nannies and mommys and giggling toddlers as far as the eye could see. But by far my favorite “snapshot” was the giant golden retriever sitting next to his “mom” on a bench, like he was person, or more like a regal king, admiring his kingdom.

The whole park seemed to be bathed in an ethereal, other worldly, perfect Manhattan- Woody Allenesque glow. Like I said, a camera was needed and pictures would have been worth a thousand words so I’ll shut up about it now. I’ll just say it was one of those days where it felt worth it, to put up with all the hassle--the grumpy, shoving people, the honking horns, the odiferous, crowded sidewalks--just to be in this glorious city. It can truly be a pain in the ass, but also: amazing.

Shockingly Enough

A topless Ellie does not enjoy being sprayed by Leo with a bottle full of cold, half vinegar-water solution. Don't ask.

Photo Thursday

I think this picture says it all.

Look at Leo's face. He is MAD.

But then, he went to give her a kiss. This definitely sums up the relationship right now. It's very love/hate. This was taken during one of my many holiday card attempts.

Out of Touch

I haven’t been writing much lately and I don’t know why. Actually I think I do know why. There just seems to be so much going on that I can’t find a single thread to boil down into a post. I know that shouldn’t stop me. I should just write lots of small entries. I don’t know, I just feel overwhelmed and when I feel that way I don’t write and then it just snowballs into silence.

So, a few updates.

-After a lot of hand wringing and analysis, we’ve decided to go ahead with the sedated ear procedure tomorrow. I sincerely appreciate all the comments in response to my question. I’m beyond nervous about it (think of us tomorrow at 6:45 a.m. EST if you’re up) but the pre-op nurse assured me it would be a quick procedure. It’s just been a while since we’ve had to do anything like this and it’s just, well, it’s always hard. Leo’s been having ear issues since he was tiny and he’s become downright traumatized when it comes to anyone touching his ears. As much as I am not a fan of general anesthesia it would be nice to not do anything to contribute to his terror of All Things Ear. Also, he squirms and carries on so much during ear exams that it’s not out of the question that some actual damage could be done. And, how great would it be if, while under anesthesia the doctor could really get in there and clean and get rid of the fluid and do whatever it takes to help our guy hear better? Come on, language!

-Leo’s parent-teacher conference was last Wednesday. It went well. He is meeting and exceeding all of his goals and he is on track to “graduate” to the next grade (primary) in the fall. He’ll go from being with three and four year olds to a class of kids that ranges from five to nine! That should be a pretty big change for him. We also discussed our goal (mine and Erin’s) of having Leo begin kindergarten at age six in district, most likely with a one-to-one aide. No one looked at me like I had three heads when I brought it up so hopefully it’s an actual possibility for the 2010-2011 school year.

Leo’s teacher described him as being like a “sponge,” that he loves to learn and that she has had to be quite creative with his goals because he is mastering them so quickly. So I can’t complain about that. I even wondered if maybe he might be getting a little bored in this class? But he’s not ready to move up yet (he actually can’t since he’s not five) so we’ll just hope that he can continue to get what he can out of this class and really master the skills he needs to move up. We also talked about Leo’s behavior (he is mostly very well behaved at school and has only recently started exhibiting some problems with transitions, throwing tantrums when he doesn’t want to do something) and we all agreed that it is directly related to his frustration with language. Since that continues to be his greatest delay, I asked for and got an additional private speech session. Who knows if throwing more therapy his way will help, but I’m pretty sure it won’t hurt. And it’s somehow satisfying to get additional services.

-I haven’t talked about potty training for a while because A) I know that it’s pretty boring to anyone but the parent doing the potty training and B) I didn’t want to jinx it. Let’s just say that Leo is consistently performing. He still does not tell us when he has to go but apparently that is a long way off. So for now the onus is on us to get off our butts and take him every two hours like we’re supposed to. Easier said than done! Never thought I’d say it but diapers are almost easier.

-The attacks against Ellie seem to have mellowed slightly. This may be in part because Ellie has developed a high pitched shriek that I liken to something you might see on a National Geographic special, when a smaller animal is at risk of being attacked by a larger one that smaller one might emit this decibel to frighten the attacker away. Mostly, Leo laughs when Ellie does this. But it also stops him directly in his tracks. Of course there was this morning when a sweet pat turned into a hug which then turned into a full on, push Ellie backwards so that she lands on her head. Oh well. Baby steps.

-This might be the most boring post ever, but I feel at least slightly up to date now.

Weekend Warrior

I’d like to say that I use the above term to describe how Leo has taken up mountain biking, rock climbing and other various adventurey type sports. But no. Leo has taken to beating up on his sister.

To be fair, I know this is normal (well, I’m told this is normal by Erin, who is an experienced older sibling). We’re not in seriously fear-for-her-life territory, it’s just constant pushing and shoving mostly. But it’s relentless. Ellie is fairly steady on her feet but one good push and down she goes. And thus begins the Ellie wailing. And boy can she lay it on thick. And did I mention the other fun activity? Pushing her down and the holding her down. What fun! I do have to wonder what it would be like to be her. To have someone constantly looking to do you harm. How must that feel? Then again, how must it feel to be Leo, to constantly have to share the limelight. I don’t think he remembers being an only child, but maybe he does? I hope that I am seriously over thinking this.

I find myself even more exhausted by the hooligans lately, with this new, violent phase. I know it’s an attention thing on Leo’s part, because he is a completely different kid when by himself (that is, when he’s one-on-one with either Erin or me). I am running out of ideas. The time-outs don’t work. The pattern is send him to time-out, “Leo say you’re sorry.” Then, two minutes later, shove Ellie, toddler tears ensue. Wash, rinse, repeat.

To be fair, he does have transient moments of sweetness. He still brings her a toy while she wails through diaper changes, just like he did when she was a newborn. He pats her on the back when she cries (ironically oftentimes the reason she is crying to begin with is because HE pushed her).

I leave you with a shot of Ellie at the mall play area (I know, ick, but it was cold and wet and I was desperate), taken on Sunday. I'll write more about that experience later. Leo refused pictures, using his best "no!" Exorcist-like voice (another fun new development!).

Summer Lovin'

Here's another shot from the backyard from this weekend. It was really hot and humid but I spent so much of it either sitting with my feet in the baby pool or standing by a sprinkler, that I didn't really notice it being too uncomfortable. I didn't grow up with humidity but at some point I have grown accustomed to it. Not sure when that happened.

We had a great weekend. Leo and Ellie are playing together more and more, though a good deal of my time is still spent refereeing (OK, most of my time). Why is it that the toy that Ellie chooses is instantly the toy that Leo needs at That Exact Moment. And he can be a little rough with her. She's not all that solid on two feet yet. But she's starting to give Leo a hard time back. She sort of screeches at him of he takes something from her that she wants. It's hilarious.

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Too much to post right now, but I'll get to it. My brain just hurts. So rather than write a lot, I am posting a picture that makes me smile and reminds me of what is truly important. By the way, right after the above photo was taken, Leo pushed Ellie down. Blatantly. She burst into tears. Leo immediately kissed Ellie, turned to me and did the sign for "cry." Oh well.

Cribs and Books and Big Plans for the Food Processor

I’m a little late on notes from the weekend it being Wednesday already. Really, where does the time go? Here are some bullets:

-We moved the crib into the guest room which is now I guess heretofore “Ellie’s room.” I am afraid to even put this in writing for fear I will jinx things but each night she was in there, things got better. And last night, drumroll please…she slept from 9:30pm to 5:45 am. Straight through. Yes it’s true. Of course I woke up multiple times because I have been doing this since I was six months pregnant, but that should pass soon, right? Oh happy day! Keep up the good work Ellie! This morning when I went to get her she was awake in her crib, sitting up and smiling and yes, reading a book. It was freaking adorable. Monday morning, the morning after the first night that she slept so well I went into her room singing Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independance." I don't know what came over me but it just seemed appropriate.

-This may be too much information but I am really struggling with the pumping (OK this is not really a weekend subject but it’s on my mind). It’s not that I want to wean Ellie—I don’t mind nursing at all since I am pretty much only doing it twice a day now (once in the morning and once before bed). It’s that when I pump I get hardly anything. I went from being able to produce almost three bottles to two and now I’m lucky if I get one. Her one year birthday is two months away. I tell myself it doesn’t matter what I get as long as it’s something—a little breast milk is better than no breast milk (I can still hear Leo’s NICU nurses with their sage advice). OK, I will press on and not worry how much I get. Plus I’m afraid if I stop pumping altogether I won’t be able to nurse and then how the heck will I get Ellie to sleep?

-Books. I finished Road Map to Holland in like three days which is good for me (since I am a slow reader and also only get to read during the commute to work.) Next up is The Book of Dahlia which I heard about when the author was interviewed on Fresh Air. Wow. The first chapter blew me away. It’s about a slacker who finds out she has brain cancer. One of the reviews summed it up nicely: “Should we mourn a wasted life?” Quite a departure from the Holland book. I’m really enjoying reading books again. I feel like this new found thing called sleep is helping me return to the person I was once was. With interests! I have even been daydreaming about all the things I want to cook and bake. That is not so unusual except I’m hoping that not being so exhausted will allow me to actually make some of them (lemon bars, pumpkin bread and pesto, gazpacho, salsa). Can you tell that someone has a new food processor?

-In Leo and Ellie notes, Leo has moved on from telling the dog to go “Away” to now telling Ellie to go “Away!” He does it a lot in the car and he can get pretty loud and mean sounding. He’s caused her to burst into tears several times. I hate yelling at him, but I also hate seeing Ellie cry. I know that he has some hostility towards her (understandably) but it’s also my responsibility to make her feel safe. I am probably over thinking this.

Meanwhile, Ellie is cruising everywhere. I find it ironic to think about how all I wanted was for Leo to walk and with Ellie I am just appreciating each day that she doesn’t walk. She loves to have her hands held while you walk with her. She finds it hilarious and grins the biggest smile you’ve ever seen. She has taken to looking up at me and grinning when I walk with her, which makes it difficult for her to walk.

-The Bouncy Chair and Infant swing have been retired (and as mentioned earlier, the crib is now out of our bedroom). It is bittersweet to see my little baby growing up, to see this end of infancy. I know, I know. She hasn’t gotten her own apartment. Yet.

Pictured above, Leo and Ellie test drive the new locale of the crib. Please don't call Child Services on us. We think Leo got that mark on his chest from some sort of unfortunate encounter with the carpet at daycare.

Siblings

My sister and I are eleven years apart and have different mothers so I pretty much consider myself an only child. I was eleven when she was born and as thrilled as I was to finally have a sibling, I was also very much distracted at the time by Michael Jackson, my new Walkman and finding the best lace leggings to go with my off the shoulder sweatshirt. So I am a novice to this sibling thing and here is a pair of them, in my very own house!

When Ellie was first born, Leo wasn’t all that interested. We taught him the sign for baby and pointed babies out to him every chance we could get when I was pregnant, but it wasn’t until she finally arrived that I think he “got” it. When he came to meet his little sister for the first time at the hospital he seemed interested in holding her. We helped him do so and he was fine for a few seconds until he wasn’t. Then he looked at me and then at her and said “bye.” He made his point.

Since Ellie has become mobile, things have really changed. First of all, Leo fascinates her. She watches him. She stares and studies him and seems both puzzled and amused. He does some very sweet things, like brings her toys (sometimes it seems like he is almost throwing them at her but I guess I should try to put a positive spin on it). He loves to feed her (see picture above). You have to give the guy credit since he's pretty much the only one who is able to get her to eat peas. He seems to enjoy being near her, but on his own terms. For example, the other day it appeared that he was sort of reading to her, and that was great. Until she had the nerve of trying to touch the book he was holding! And then began No! Mine! And the scooting away to the other side of the room away from said baby.

I hear myself and feel like a total cliché. Leo! Share with your sister. Leo, can you give Ellie some toys? Leo, can you let Ellie read that book? I feel kind of bad for the guy sometimes. Here he was, minding his own business as an only child and suddenly along comes this annoying little creature who wants to touch all his stuff AND keep his mom from spending as much, if any, one-on-one time. I think the benefits of having a sibling far outweigh the negatives, but it’s still something I think about a lot.

I hate to sound corny, but my heart swells at the above photos. Leo looks so grown up to me. And sweet. And I love the way Ellie looks at him. I swear it’s an expression she gives only to him. Whatever Leo is doing, Ellie wants to do. One of Leo’s favorite things to do is “organize” the DVDs. He just goes through each one methodically, looking at the covers and replacing them in neat stacks. Ellie seems to agree that this is a very interesting project. If Ellie could talk, I think she would be saying “Whatcha doin’?”

And did I mention that I still can’t believe there are two of them?