Time

I think that I need to back away from the twins books.

Unless of course, I want to burst into tears or hyperventilate. But you know what’s funny? What’s getting me is not the idea of nursing two or not sleeping (because it won’t be that different from now, actually!), or changing twenty diapers a day. It’s how it’s going to affect the kids that are already here. The big kids. Leo and Ellie. My babies.

Everyone I’ve heard from with big families (really, who has four kids these days?) has nothing but good things to say. There’s always someone to play with! We were our own little gang! With four kids, someone is bound to like someone, right? And the opposite of course, but I won’t think about THAT right now.

Still, I can’t shake the anxiety that I’ll be spread too thin, that Leo and Ellie, who are so accustomed to the spotlight, will feel resentful and hurt, when they have to share. It is what it is, and I know all of this is normal. It would be weird if I wasn’t thinking about all of this. I guess reading about “older siblings” in a twins book last night (big mistake) just kind of did me in and made me want take to my bed with a glass of merlot (don’t worry, I didn’t). I remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with Ellie too. I would look at toddler Leo and my burgeoning belly and think What Have We Done?

Probably the one thing I'm not worried about is the love. Before Ellie, when it was just Leo, I worried and wondered, how can I love someone as much I love Leo, my first baby? Now I know better. The capacity for love? It's boundless, truly. I guess that's the saving grace (well, one of them) in this crazy life.

***

Switching gears: This weekend was a babymoon of sorts. We took what was likely one of our last trips as a family of four (gulp) up to our beloved Mystic. On the way, we also met up with old friends who bestowed on us a minivan full of twin hand-me-downs. After unloading the van Sunday night, the future nursery looks like Babies R’ Us after a hurricane. I have a lot of organizing to do but seriously, I can’t thank Amy and Elizabeth enough for their generosity.

The trip to Mystic was whirlwind.

More pictures to come, but I will say that we swam in the hotel pool (Ellie’s favorite, hands down). Actually, I’m not sure what she was more excited about, the pool or her new bikini, courtesy of Grandma Jerry. It’s replaced the ballerina dresses in terms of the amount it’s taken off and put back on, just BECAUSE.

We visited with everyone’s favorite, the baby beluga (not really a baby, but no matter). We even got this book from the aquarium gift shop. Ellie made me sing it to her before bed on Sunday night and I panted all the way through).

This is my last week of work for a while. I know. I am in state of shock. Life is about to change in ways large and small. This week is a week of “lasts.” The last time I will attend a staff meeting, eat a burrito in the company cafeteria (not sure which is more momentous), sign off on a proof.

I’m ready though. I’m feeling a little unsteady on my feet as I navigate the crowded, increasingly warm streets of Manhattan (today is flip flop weather though, thank goodness, and while we’re on the subject, I waited a leetle too long and now can’t get my rings off my sausage fingers. Oy.). The nightly commute home gets more and more challenging.

And there are two little people who need more of my undivided attention.*


*(And yes, that is a two-foot tall chocolate Easter bunny.)