Like Riding A Bike, But Not Really

There were some tears last night. I was away from the babies for the first time (no, that's not why I was crying). I went to the chiropractor to address the sciatica that cropped up about three days before the babies were born and has regrettably not gone away.

About the tears: I think it's beginning to hit me, in little flashes, what has happened. How much things have changed. I won't lie. I'm slightly terrified and overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, I'm also feeling incredibly blessed, but, it's a lot. Four kids. TWO babies. I worry. I worry about my relationship with Leo and Ellie. I find myself missing them. I'm spending a lot of time parked on a love seat in the living room nursing the babies and it's as if I'm watching my "old," "simple" ife play out in front of me. Erin is doing pretty much everything for the big kids right now while I, well, I'm essentially Bessie the Milk Cow.

It's the little things that set me off. For example, as much as I groaned so many times about the drawn out Ellie bedtime routine, I'm now nostalgic for it. The independence to finish a task without the faint cry of a little lemur (Lucy) or the quick, demanding shrieks of the decidedly more assertive Harry, feels far, far away. I forgot what it's like to have A newborn let alone two. It's like riding a bike, it's all coming back to me (or becoming familiar to me), but that doesn't make it any less shocking.

And as if on cue, Lucy just cried as I typed this. I'm not kidding.

I know that I over think things. The big kids seem totally fine. They're thriving, truly. Ellie dotes on both babies, loves to cover them with blankets in their little bouncy chairs. She actually asks if she can get me a diaper. Her new favorite phrase is "can you do me a favor?" since my little helper is hearing this quite a bit from me. I'm trying to be careful not to abuse her help--the last thing I want is resentment. But for as long as she offers to help? I will take it.

Leo seems to be growing accustomed to the crying, which there is definitely more of when there are two. He continues to hold his hands over his ears but he's not trying to leave the room anymore. He's mastered the art of eating grapes with his right hand while his left hand covers an ear.

What have we done? I sobbed, last night, driving home from the chiropractor. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" boomed on the radio and I turned it up, just for melodramatic measure. In that thought, there wasn't one stitch of regret that we now have two babies, that we went for #3 and got a bonus baby. Everything Happens For a Reason. We have four beautiful children. A big family, a new, different, exciting, hard, exhausting and full life.

My heart is full, my brain is exhausted, my spirits fluctuate, my patience is tried countless times over the day.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but also? The most amazing.