I hope no one was hanging on the edge of their seats waiting for me to answer these insightful questions, which I really enjoyed reading and so appreciate people taking the time to write. And After Words, I especially apologize to you since your question had a bit of a time element, as the child you wrote to me about might already be driving or graduated from college. Sorry for the delay. Sidenote: Did you ever talk to the family? I'd love to know how it went.
After Words asked,
Do you think it's appropriate if a stranger on the street asks you about Leo's DS? If yes, what form would you prefer the questions take?
I have an acquaintance with a son whom I believe has DS. There's no particular reason I need to know either way--he's a lovely playmate when we run into him at the playground--but I always find myself wondering when we see them. Again, I don't know what would change about our interactions if I knew the answer to the question, and it seems gauche to ask it. What do you think?
This is a tough one. Part of me wants to say, go for it. Ask away. I would rather people be honest than sit and stare at Leo and wonder. There is also the education factor. Leo doesn’t have to be the Down syndrome Ambassador of the World, but there is a good possibility that Leo might be the only person with Down syndrome that some people meet. I don’t want people to forget him (and hopefully they’ll remember him for good reason, not bad!) and I want people to learn something from him (hopefully something positive, that he’s not a monster, that he’s just a smart little boy with a great sense of humor who takes a bit longer to do certain things).
Having said all that, I admit that after over five years parenting a child with Down syndrome, I am still terrified to ask a parent if his or her child has it. I am serious when I say that I sometimes just can’t tell.
I chalk this up to the fact that I am so accustomed to Leo and his peers with their extra chromosome that seriously, they have started to look “normal” to me. Oh sure once in a while I’ll catch Leo with that look, and it’s unmistakable, but honestly, I think it’s sometimes really not safe to assume. It’s the same idea as never asking a woman if she’s pregnant (what’s that joke about how it’s only okay to ask in the delivery room?). You’d really hate to be wrong.
So Afterwords, here’s what I’d do. I’d ask the parents where the little boy goes to school (assuming he’s school aged, keep in mind many kids with DS start school as young as age two in an early intervention program as they transition to school-age programs). That will undoubtedly get the the ball rolling towards more info on the little guy. It seems to me it would just naturally spring from there.
Obviously some parents are more open, some are more guarded. Probably no surprise to hear that if you met me at the playground I’d talk your ear off and you’d be sorry you ever asked me anything.
I hope that helps.
Gratuitious photo of Mr. Handsome and me.
And Leo and his classmates, from a bulletin board during the holidays at Leo's school which I have titled "Visions of Sugar Plums And Other Things."
1 comment:
i am completely with you! several times i've given other parents a knowing look, only to realize later that their kid does not have Down syndrome. whoops! at least i've never vocalized it. sometimes i think about getting sophie a tee shirt that says, "I have Down syndrome. What's YOUR problem?" and then i remember my vow to be a more appropriate, kind, understanding person!
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